Read Some Nice Derek the Extracts

**Below here is a slight smattering of extracts from The Nice Adventures of Derek the Homosexual Gerbil.**

Pray the gay to stay! Thus Derek was named.

“That’s how I knew I liked men’s bums,” says Derek, fondly recalling the Prologue.

Derek was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.

York Notes reveals more about this opening paragraph: “Derek’s disconcerting paucity of worry makes sense, as much as it can, when we embrace this as an indicative overview of what we go on to discover furthermoresothanless. This summation, as dark as it is brief, can be recognised as a summation. When we read on, we read on.”

Gerbilling, or the jamming of any rodent into the “poop-hole” to experience the sensations of “internal thrashing”, is said to be “an urban myth, spawned in homophobic times” by the Expert.

Yet Derek, cretinously, disagrees – at least initially – considering it to be, if nothing else, funny. “Yes, yes, look, it’s written there, that’s my Adventures. Bottoms.”

Pressed to explain further, Derek likens his enjoyment of being shoved up bottoms to other things which are absurd and not real. He scoffs, and implores us to realise it is “obvious! Not only is shoving rodents up arses something that gay men don’t do, it’s also something that a gerbil wouldn’t enjoy. But here I am, more than happy to be squeezed into the inner pink. I won’t survive, it’s no ascension – it’s fucking torture!”

Therefore what appears on the surface as a dramatic, albeit tragic, willing endorsement, is in fact a finely veiled signifier of the damned stupidity of gay phobia. It’s probably satirical.

So why gay drama teachers? “Well,” says Derek. “Why do some people have a foot fetish? Can a golden shower really get someone’s juices surging? Why… other examples? You know? Look, something just clicked, okay? That first time. Fuck me.”

Further unlikely details about the lifestyle of the Derek.

Perhaps I’m too overly familiar with this tale, but I think this bit is terrible. I’ve tried to make up for it with a pretty illustration – the background of which my wife mistook as a photograph when she first attempted to look interested – but really, that’s terrible as well.

‘Derek comes and Derek goes. Where does he go? Nobody knows. But we all have our deep suspicions about his favourite kind of positions, and how far he delves into fictional adventures on the uppermost shelves. Oh, Derek, you’ll live forever! God knows you’ll live forever! Come rain or shine, you’ll do just fine, you conqueror of weather!’

And now, skipping forward somewhat, here’s another day…